This kid must be possessed. The video bellow is from a German TV show similar to "Britain's got talent" called "Deutschland sucht den Superstar". At one point I thought he'll throw up...
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
10 suggestions for guys while playing golf or taking a leak.
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay our of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Great truths.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! But it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone
Great to be a guy.
Some great reasons to be a guy:
- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
- Your orgasms are real. Always.
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Foreplay is optional.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
- Wrinkles add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
- Porn movies are designed with you in mind. *So true*
The Easter Bunny hates you.
Why? Maybe because he's the target of our jokes and he has to put up with all this Easter s@#t.
The proof:
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Awesome college prank.
A student stands up in the middle of a lecture and starts singing a Brodway style musical. The teacher didn't mind as even he starts laughing.
Via: http://www.prangstgrup.com/
Lyrics:
Hey teach!
I've got a question -- what I mean is. . . it's just. . .
We come to class everyday it seems, we all fall asleep we've lost all our dreams.
There is no inspiration.
But when did we become this way, so disillusioned? So blasé?
I can't make the calculation.
Can I borrow your TI-83?
Hey teach!
Have you thought for a while
about the impact that you have on us?
Teach!
I think it's high time that you tried
to extend your learning on to us and reach!
Are you with me classmates?
YEAH.
(One person)
What about that guy over there? Why aren't you taking notes? Don't you even care?
This is your education.
This girl sitting over here, she talks a lot in class but her thoughts are never really quite clear.
So much mental masturbation
Is it we..who are to blame.
Hey TEACH!!!!
All the professors in movies and TV
like "Dead Poets Society,"
and they risk their very professions for the chance
to be inspirations to kids like me!
Hey teach!
It's no wonder why we're here.
You must think we only party and drink beer.
But all we need is just one chance...
to be treated as your equals and to dance.
Hey teach!
It's no wonder why we're here.
You must think we only party and drink beer.
I think it's high time that you tried
to extend your learning.. on.. to.. us.. and REACH! TEACH! ...
The Sperm Test
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to give a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open."
What About Blowjobs?
Reggie Watts sings an awesome song for the ladies ! A CHTV original production.
All work, no brain.
It's unbelievable how this guys managed to get themselves stuck. Pure stupidity at it's best.
The general guide to Redneck etiquette
GENERAL
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
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